Wednesday, 25 April 2007

You won't believe your ears...

Great excitement in TDHB house, another gig booked!

On arrival at the gig, we climbed out of the van, (filled with equipment, we learn fast!) and perused the poster for the gig. The headline act was listed as something called “Dylan For The Deaf”.

IF: “What the f##k is Dylan for the Deaf then?”

DH: “Dunno mate, I’ll go find out”

A little later, inside the venue:

DH: “Hello mate, are you with Dylan for the Deaf?”

DFTD: “Yes, Giles Strathmore, pleased to meet you boys.”

DH: “What’s your act all about then, it sounds interesting?”

DFTD: “Well, we aim to bring the works of Bob Dylan to a section of the populace who have, until now, been unable to appreciate a ‘live’ (index fingers again, Oh God) Dylan performance.”

DH: “How does that work then?”

DFTD: “Well, the lyrics are presented in the form of sign language, while the instrumental arrangements are interpreted through the mediums of dance and mime.”

DH: “Mmm. So who comes to the show?”

DFTD: “Well, we’re very popular among the deaf community.”

DH: “So let me get this straight. Most, if not all of your audience is, in point of fact, as it were, one could say, deaf?”

DFTD: “Well, you could say that, yes.”

DH: (Aside to TDHB members) “I think a band meeting is in order.”

After a brief band meeting, we made our apologies and left.

Saturday, 14 April 2007

Reader's letter...!

Now there was a new development in The Dave Howes Band House this week. We got a letter from a reader! Sparky from Brixton writes: “Hello boys, I’ve been reading your adventures and have a question. Your drummer, Ian “Sticks” Flashman, is he by any chance related to the late and legendary Stan “I can get you tickets for anything” Flashman?”

Well Sparky, thanks for your question. Allow me to relate this little tale which I think will serve as an answer.

The second rule of Rock and Roll is: never volunteer… for anything… ever.

Sticks was going through a “wanting to do more than being just a drummer” phase. He volunteered to get us a gig, organise the arrangements for said gig, sort out flyers and make sandwiches. So we had a band meeting, and all agreed that it couldn’t hurt to let him have a go.

It was to be after the Easter Bank Holiday weekend which complicated things rather as we were all away from the house visiting family, and would have to be organised to be at the same place, same time, for the gig.

Easter Sunday, and the phone calls began. Sticks told Fingers that the gig was at the Barry McGuiggan’s Arms in Penge on the evening of the following Tuesday. He told Howesey that it was at The Frog and Lilliputian in Penge on Wednesday. He told Bassman that it would be at Uncle Tom’s Cobblian Hall on the Thursday. He printed 500 flyers, 150 posters and paid for advertising on Penge FM, and he told them that the gig was on the Friday in The Flying Trousers in Penge. He was, apparently, a little confused under all the pressure and had consumed a large amount of easter egg and gin.

As you can probably guess, the whole thing was doomed from the start and a complete embarrassment. We may never be able to show our faces in Penge again, not that they’ve ever actually seen us but that’s not the point.

But it was our fault for ignoring the first rule of Rock and Roll: Never, whatever you do, give the drummer more responsibility than looking after his kit and playing it.

But there you go Sparky, Sticks is in no way related to Stan. He couldn’t even organise tickets for a gig he was supposed to be playing at.

Back soon,
Love and hugs, TDHB

Sunday, 8 April 2007

At last, some news from TDHB house!!!

Now it must be something to do with living in the same house, but when any one of us goes down with a bug, the others soon follow. This is exactly what happened two weeks ago, which led to two more gigs being cancelled. One was at The Queen’s Knees in Balham, and the other was at the Newt and Banana in Penge. Apologies are due to anyone who came to see us, but thanks are due to our last minute replacements, a lively local band called “The Last Minute Replacements” (they get a lot of this type of work), and I’m sure they were very entertaining.

However, we were very excited in TDHB house a couple of days ago, a gig was booked!

We arrived at the gig, and were informed by the venue management that we had been double booked with a Combat 18 supporting punk/skin group called Black Death And Other Fantastic Stories. After a combination of complex negotiations, our goodwill and the fact that 400 of their violent looking fans had already arrived, we decided to cut our losses, accept another date when one became available, and leaving “Sticks” Flashman (no relation) and “Fingers” behind to inform our fans of the change of plan, the rest of us made our excuses and left.

nasty nazis

As it turned out, no fans of ours appeared. Also, according to “Sticks” and “Fingers”, it’s harder than you’d think to refuse the offer of a spit-meth and Jack Daniels cocktail when offered by a 10 foot tall, tattooed skinhead monster. After three of them each, their memory of the evening gets a little hazy. All we know for sure is that “Bassman” got a call the following morning to bail them both out of the local nick after they’d been charged with trespassing on a nearby building site.

A crane

They were found in the early hours of the morning, curled up asleep in the control cabin of a massive tower crane by its operator. They were covered in a foul smelling vomit, unable to speak due to the sheer terror of waking up 100 feet above the ground and freezing cold. We all trawled over to the police holding cells, bailed them out, made our apologies and left.

There was some good news in TDHB house this week however, as our broadband connection finally got sorted, (I think that bug got into the computer as well) and the updates should be a bit more regular from now on.